Cloaked Reverie

..It’s been a while since the sun went down on the seas and everything blue turned orange, tiny drops of faint white paint shot up from where i lay to get diffused like cells on a giant blackboard. Strangely so, all the animation in my mind was trying to keep up with the things I saw with my eyes open and like all mortals I fancied this dreamyland more. My mind was working magic and all it wanted me to see was there on that blackboard, even before my mind was done shaping, sizing, coloring and connecting all the dots to form things.  Stars came out and whispered to the wind, the cool jeweled moon strayed closer with its radiance on this vast beach. I was reborn(I blacked out) and it was my time to reinvent the gods!

The tides turn low and it all began to blur and pixelate, the waves seep into my skin and then I couldn’t see anything for two bits of stone age time.Time dilation giving away to pupil dilation. When my senses begin to work again, I am surprised to myself that I am ambidextrous so I pull em up to wipe water of my face and my eyes. The first things I then saw were, simply put, too real and boring. I was star gazing laying on the beach. It was just another winter moon and the stars which appeared to be faint white droplets of paint weren’t as white they could be. It was a classic case of reality dawning upon an addict where he gets buried under the crushing mass of same’ness. On looking further I saw a herd of people all cheerfully colorful having a good time binging, jamming, ricocheting as far as I could see (that’d be till the girl with a purple lotus in her hair). She was the girl who use to listen to the same Floyd song I sang to (lets just say) not-so-floyd-savvy girls over the phone during the course of my spoilt teenage and wasted adoloscence. This could really be the point where it could turn into a mockingly sad love story. Wouldn’t that a bitch? But it’s FLOYD and I am a crazy diamond (NOT!)…So I conveniently lived on through my college time without gathering balls to go speak to the girl, the girl who was now the woman with the purple lotus, straightened shiny hair and vintage aviators. The Indian version of Janis Joplin was right in front of me and each time she sang, smiled, moved her hands to smoke my eyes blazed over and my balls got bigger. There are women who always remain in your fantasies for life, no matter when you see them first, they just wouldn’t leave! Thats what it really is. I said to myself, she is the one! I have it figured!

Wonder why all good stories are incomplete without women.

As vintage love struck back with fierce force, my friend stumbled upon me and poured his beer on my face that was in suspended animation. The bastard had killed my trip! His excuse? He thought I was dead from the recreational drugs we did (How I wish he was). How the fucks that possible! I exclaimed as I lit a cigarette followed by an apathetic glance. I really didn’t give a shit about anyone’s existence except for one woman who had now moved onto to the other side of the night under those little blue lights hanging from the crown of a tree, amidst men who seemed lost in her eyes, wrapped in an imaginary polythene of smoke…

The Moon upon your Stick!

I was tired of wandering in rotten cities with my eyes closed, my heart shut and my gods lost. Awakened to an abyss within, a storm outside and a ghastly honest voice of a forgotten inner demon.

~

At a place so far away, far away from those ghastly sub-phonated inner voices which echoed in that queer town. I lay languidly onto a big shiny rock as clouds fornicate among themselves and hide behind snowcaked peaks and the sun beats around the bush. A shunted vision tells me it all turned orange and I was neurotripping at these empty spaces where the creepy voice continued..”The program for this evening is not new, you’ve seen this entertainment through and through. You’ve seen your birth, your life, your death..you might wanna recall all of the rest” ..Sedation and anxiety caused by terrible drugs which push you to revisit your past when you don’t have to. “You dont really have a choice, do you?” ..I like my drink ice cold and my choices limited .. “Just drop out you nosey little fucker and let me shag your imagination a little bit”. But just as I was about to fall into the night, an unknown strobe tore through my space and began to gush into my hypnopompic state, only to overthrow my thoughts and visions.
[Teleported to dream-within-a-dream] ..
A little dark, cold and almost unreal. I see your face in strange faces, i see your eyes light up in the moon, i feel your spirit in these mountains, i see your fire in frigid things, i see your magic behind the roaring river. It’s your touch; not the ground soaking me in, there is no gravity but its just your presence making the world go round. There’s an uncanny familiarity to this time. Seems like just another voodoo trick from your little black book I would behold. All this nostalgia is killing. It’s a freak comic show at an obituary. Gives me migraine of pleasure while your shadows mock at my mental state.

Kill-switch. Engage!

Back in the sixties, on a bright day, a french girl smokes pipe at a café, while staring into a drawing of a cat as every cell in her system implodes with unending boredom.

The effects start to wear off and a melancholic reality begins to dawn upon me. I was scared and happy and whirling and dodgey and frivolous and apathetic and thrilled at the same time. Just another drug I thought it could be. But then I was delusioned, coming back to reality was much harder than it seemed. It was more funner. It was like sliding down through an avalanche and running straight into the arms of someone who’s been there waiting to hug you..

The only thing i can soberly admit to is that I shrank myself to be the moon upon your stick!

Anandamine

As the chemical THC reaches parts of the brain, it attaches to cannabinoid receptors. Usually the receptors are stimulated by anandamide produced at low rates by the body, but THC in the blood emulates the effects of anandamide on these receptors, over-activating them, which in tern has effects on other neurotransmitters systems, most notably the release of dopamine and norepinephrine. As dopamine and norepinephrine levels rise, the body experiences a heightened focus, and a greater level of perception, sometimes resulting in extremely elevated emotions and feelings. Some effects may include a general alteration of conscious perception, euphoria, feelings of well-being, relaxation or stress reduction, increased appreciation of humor, music or the arts, joviality, metacognition and introspection, enhanced recollection (episodic memory), increased sensuality, increased awareness of sensation, increased libido] and creativity. Abstract or philosophical thinking, disruption of linear memory and paranoia or anxiety are also typical. Anxiety is the most commonly reported side effect of smoking marijuana[citation needed]. Between 20 and 30 percent of recreational users experience intense anxiety and/or panic attacks after smoking cannabis.[31]

Cannabis also produces many subjective and highly tangible effects, such as greater enjoyment of food taste and aroma (“the munchies”), an enhanced enjoyment of music and comedy, and marked distortions in the perception of time and space (where experiencing a “rush” of ideas from the bank of long-term memory can create the subjective impression of long elapsed time, while a clock reveals that only a short time has passed). At higher doses, effects can include altered body image, auditory and/or visual illusions, pseudo-hallucinatory or (rarely, at very high doses) fully hallucinatory experiences, and ataxia from selective impairment of polysynaptic reflexes. In some cases, cannabis can lead to dissociative states such as depersonalization[32][33] and derealization;[34] such effects are most often considered desirable, but have the potential to induce panic attack and paranoia in some unaccustomed users

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Hell was full so I am back!

And in other news

I tweeted this sometime ago;
“I’m half a T. Wit. Trr. Trr. Err”

Which apparently no one has understood (hopefully) or maybe people don’t agree to or just dont give a fuck! Which one is it do you think? Come on you fuckers gimme something!

Oh and by the way. And as Morrisson plays on the radio and I am currently in that state of mind “Waiting for the Sun”. Ergo. Here’s announcing the reboot of the blog. Over.

Also, the stoopid name of the post cos I saw an ugly teen wearing it in the metro!

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Good News?

I am back yet again. See! All good things come to an end. And sometimes that end is so abrupt that you have absolutely no clue what hit you. The point where falling down is far easy than getting back on your feet.

When you’re Strange..

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

I am not telling you who wrote this :) Go figure!

Daddy’s Home

Okay. After a break, a very long one at that. I have finally decided to free my mind, break my silence and put my ambidexterity in the right place for the good of all humanity. Yes, I am known to myself for making massive statements like these and at then end coming out as a dud, but umm..you HAVE TO think bigger to get something or somewhere in life. So okay here it goes. I usually come out and blog twice in a blue moon and I do that after some serious events have occurred in my very languid life and I have drank alot, smoked some serious stuff (I have finally quit smoking! I hate it!) and put on some kilos on my already oh-so-chubby kind of body structure. But anyways, whats the big deal. I dont care about myself two bits. I joined a gym for a week and finally managed get an answer to a perennial quest of “Why cant I ever live healthy?” and although I think I have the answer, it is not very conclusive or might sound a little dodgy but it can change if it has to. And yeah the answer is that I dont love myself enough. Period. Anyways, this isnt about looking good, looking good to getting good looking girls. It isnt! Life is at a very interesting point. Where it is very uncertain and is ready to take me on another ride. I dont know where. I somehow really liked the idea of doing a 100 different professions and being more than just a ‘Jack’ of all of them. I borrowed it obviously. Like many other things. And I am thinking of what I can do..I welcome all nasty, crazy, sad, awesome ideas! (except nubile and relationship ideas)
So for everyone who reads this gets a chance to participate in this exciting contest!

I’ll come back soon

Send/Receive Love?

Oh, tell me whence Love cometh!

Love comes uncall’d, unsent.

Oh, tell me where Love goeth!

That was not Love that went.

Cliche? Nice? Nice but not nice! Love? You ought to be tripping. We don’t qualify as lovers!

Are you angry baby? I am all ears and behinds. Come, lets dry hump!

Awww..did I just piss you off?  What did I do? You tried to love me. You are so you! Fuck yourself!

What to do? Don’t annoy me! Let me vent out how I normally feel. Okay..Okay.

Whats with your behavior? Why don’t you show me some periodic love? You are just like a blob of matter with an anus.

I don’t know what you talking about! But, Doesn’t matter!

Did you overcare or did you undercare or did you make me feel that you do not care?

All the time, everytime and never!  Whaaat?  Nothing.

If you are schizophrenic I really don’t blame you. Its beyond you, and your sensibilities.

Trying not to be an asshole sweety! I am just too used to this shit!

When are you coming to meet me? When will you hug me? Tomorrow? Haan?

..Have you been alone yet? Just be.

Hotel Celestial

There she came.

From the most sacred part of the distant heavens.

Like a wave. Like breeze. Like rain. Like flame.

Like Life..

Comes to meet the dead.

Some blood in the veins? Sure. I am kicked and there on time. Deceiving many on the way. Paying more to get a glimpse of her. To feel her in my arms and touch her hands. Her divine presence. Her purity..everything!

The flame fondled. Yet again!

Life is shackled by time, these few moments are the ones which are free.

There she came.

For the first, and maybe the last time.

De[lhi]generacy

Dolorous. Unwilling. Jittery. Dubious. Flustered and more..the state of mind when I was leaving my hometown. The city of Djinns as William Dalrymple has described it. Its a furnace! Everyday one burns. But there is a charm. And for me, its nothing to do with the city, but with the people who live in it. Mom-Dad-Bhai, Radhika and all my friends..I know they hate me for the times I was not with them and was with Radha, the effort they put in to pull back the good times. Some faces that have been constant since the time I was six. Some friends wanted to meet me before I go, but I couldn’t because I was so totally madly into Radha, I just tended to or ended up ignoring many voices. Love makes you do that. But it doesn’t matter as long as you are in it. I know you hate me for that. But, hey! Radhika hates me too. Anyways..coming back to where I was. Twenty 23 years. The good-bad-ugly times I have spent here. Its no big deal. A million people leave/enter the city each day. Ironically, it took as little as 5873 rupees, 2.5 hours of travel and an appointment letter from a corporate junkyard to leave behind 23 years of my life. Anyway, there I was at the airport, with the woman I loved and respected the most, looking at her sleep-deprived eyes and a half-fresh face. Maybe I am taking a last ride in her car. As usual I am funny. But I wont make fun of her driving or tell her how she is driving. I am a pathetic driver myself. Most of Delhi roadies would have abused me in glasses rolled up! We reach on time and its time to take out my stuff from her black santro. We bearhug, and I wave to her as I walk  away to board my flight. A sudden whirlwind of thoughts and realizations as I reach the door. I turn back to look at her once more. One more glimpse of her I want. I so want. She was looking at the other side. Sad. I look for 5 seconds more, but she is on her way to office already. I move forward. The luggage weighs exactly 24.7 kgs. During the time I spent in the waiting lounge, a constant repetitive thought of stopping my plane from taking off by making a bomb-hoax call or by some way or the other. We were speaking on the phone and suddenly there was a loud female voice. And there I had it, the announcement for boarding. From there, in the bus, to the aircraft..it was a disintegrating feeling.

Till I landed here..Kannadiga Land! I was welcomed by some very sweet people..The skies were azure here.  The sun was bright. It was pleasant. Saw the house almost after 10 years, it was still the same. No changes whatsoever. Only people were less. It brought some childhood memories along. My room was on the top floor. Neat! I had the access to the roof. Sexy! But I still haven’t been able to take the real slice of the roof experience here in bangy. Just to give you an idea, there is a chilly breeze at whatever time you go in the night. The dark clouds are just those mood swingers. And then there is rain. Brisk, untimely, heavenly downpours. I could write a song someday on bangy’s weather. But lets not go there now. Anyways, days went by..For a lover of joblessness like me. Working is a pain. But I am trying to get the trip. oops! Grip I mean. Still searching for peddlers in bang-galore. No luck till now!

There is just one thing I enjoy about my day in bangy..and thats when I talk to radha, she would differ on this. Sometimes even I would, when we fight and when she is in that mood where she doesn’t understand anything. I am her devil. And the other part is, when I see the clouds make love. It’s not easy being moved to a stranger’s land. Especially when you’re personal life has challenges. You are out of the loop. The presence really makes a lot of difference.  All you wish for is that all the love hugs all of you in all respects. Its a nightmare when you have patience by your side in fights. After all the action, you need to vent out your feelings ‘anger’ and there is absolutely no one who you can talk to. Too lonely? Maybe not so now. But later in life. Thats what she says..And I am friggin scared!

Of Change and Flange

Thoughts kept unwinding/rewinding themselves. After a little pull, obviously…

I. of Change..

..The raindrops kept falling and my pens kept on rolling! My laptop kept charging, and the memoirs kept barging. The dog kept barking, sitting besides the parking. The young folk sped past at four, the unlit cigarette lay naked on the cold floor. The moon was as visible and present as you were. Pictures of you, the foreseen tattoo, our made to order hands, the unholy laughs and my half witted talks. Though I have a memory of a goldfish. But still ..The change has been significant, it has altered me yet again, for good I hope. As I look into the matter more deeply, I realize how adaptive I have become (NO! I am not compromising), but then I believe I have the best rightnow. This isn’t the right place to show love..but then I am so happy! Seldom in life I have felt such happiness even in the phases of utter joblessness. Anyway, changes haven’t been so easy to manage for me. Specially the leftover part or the end part of the process. MBA was an experience, met some really nice people at the latter part of the course. Got quite used to them, and its hard to get over (who wants to?)..Very cluttered things have been in the last week. You aren’t here. My folks have gone to Goa. College people have latched onto their trips, and I am surviving on Morrison, Abida, Ghalib and Freud.  Hard still, had to cut down on smoking too.  Sad still, mom looks at me anxiously everytime I am about to say something to her. She thinks I’ve got a job or something. Its getting difficult. I want to go back to the programme. Back to the space..

II. of Flange..

..Career topics have always been ambiguous for me. I understand business strategy very well. But, why have goals in life? Why can’t life’s goal be to see, observe and gather whatever you can in your mind. Why can’t I be an Alexander Supertramp?  Traverse and see the whole fucking world, never stop. Look at the wilderness, the animals, the celestial sky, the dew on green grass, the cloud formations and their movement around the mountains, swim in the water, feel the air go above your head, get drenched in rain… Live the Life around you! Instead of conveniently not interfering in the very reason and nature of our existence. Why do we exist? To earn money/power, to study business, to buy anything that we want? Who are we? Are we humans or are we consumers? Why did Man come on this planet to divide the earth into nations, and the regions of control. I am sure, without any research, that most humans die within a range of 1000 miles of where they were born. If not at the same place. Many of them, don’t even get to see their neighboring country! You know the reasons why. Isn’t this sheer insanity? How much money will you take inside the door of death? Nature always wins our hearts and minds over man-made/materialistic things. And if this fact will do a lot more good, even if it remains in thought. At an active/altering level though. So even if man-made control systems take a lot of money from you to cross the sea, you should not let it deter you from living. Take a look around…

When the Music’s over..

..Turn off the lights!
But when..Music is your special friend,
Dance on fires it intends. Music is your..only friend,
Un..till the End.

Another phase of yours truly Life ended about a week back. This time the process lasted for two years, and the outcome of the process is further refinement (read chained conditioning) called post-graduation, and that too in the business administration. But hey! I am not being fulsome about myself again. Habits! Anyway, so the boy has done all this, and as people around him have very conveniently assumed, he has come of age. And with that, he has come of many more things. Advancements in value, attitude and knowledge systems, and henceforth in ambitions and expectations. A transcendence (?) from a boy, to a science student, to an engineer, and then finally(presumptuousness!) to a marketer. The boy is left 8 years behind the current me. With the odds of coming back unbelievably dim. However, given a full control over the butterfly effect or as I’d say given My Buttefly Effect. I wont change many things, I am quite content with how I have shaped up my life except  for which I will just change my methods of interaction with people. Some of them I lost in the whole damned soup of rushing doppler noises.  Its funny how that our ambitions can sometimes lead us to places farther away from those who motivated us to reach there!  And in the journey which seems like a transcendence, we win targets but lose love!

So well, as I realize now, this isn’t about some lame whims and fantasies about the last two or more years of my life. This is about now, I am no bard. I am no exaggerator of sorts. So I am going to simply appeal to people who appealed to me, who could connect to me. Includes vocally and physically coordinated, thoughtfully admired, unreciprocated and desperately seeked people. I’d like to call them Friends. I’d like to keep you. I really can’t show you blonde love. But the one I am capable of is a soft-wild promise. I will remember and won’t let go. Don’t let go..

..Come follow me,

Across the sea. Endlessly.